Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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