So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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