he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
