dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I woke up under a house in Key West
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