remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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