I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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