she woke up with a sticky ear
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
