I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
