She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My pussy is not your playground.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
