i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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