I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
