I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
