Your tits are I can't wait for
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Randomize
