in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
