I just pynch a tree in the face
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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