One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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