I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
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