you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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