Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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