She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
