nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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