Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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