My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
