We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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