Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
