The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
