I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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