Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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