Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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