I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Houston, we have a squirter
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize