Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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