Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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