How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
