you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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