I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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