I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
