the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
