WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
