god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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