once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
