Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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