I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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