dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
pop tarts are not kleenex
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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