420 ftw
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
