Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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