His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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