theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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