Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
