my mouth tastes like poor choices
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Randomize
