dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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