Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
