Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
