Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
