Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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