you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This is the high leading the old right now
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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