i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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