One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
