Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
