Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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